Unintelligent Design

An hour a day,
sometimes more,
I chipped away
with mallet and chisel
on a block of marble
I found in Carrara
and shipped to New York
on the deck of a trawler.

I offered the marble
to a famous sculptor
who told me he works
in granite only
so I grabbed his beret
and one of his smocks
and said I'd sculpt
the block myself
with whittling skills
picked up as a kid
from a drunken uncle

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poem by Donal Mahoney
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Ode To Tobacco

Thou, who when fears attack
Bidst them avaunt, and Black
Care, at the horseman's back
Perching, unseatest;
Sweet when the morn is gray;
Sweet when they've cleared away
Lunch; and at close of day
Possibly sweetest!

I have a liking old
For thee, though manifold
Stories, I know, are told
Not to thy credit:
How one (or two at most)
Drops make a cat a ghost,—
Useless, except to roast—
Doctors have said it;

How they who use fusees
All grow by slow degrees

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poem by Charles Stuart Calverley
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Do You Think 'They' Are Conscious Of It?

Why is it that some people are racists?

'For the same reason Zebras are black and white.'

But Zebras were born with their stripes.
Do you think any of them stay aware of it.
To go around making announcements,
As to which animals they dislike?

'Who knows?
Which color do you suppose they prefer? '

That probably depends,
Upon where they go...
With the getting of a needed attention.

'Do you think 'they' are conscious of it?
The others who are also different? '

Which ones?

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poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
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I Am Through With It

'Existentialists are monumentally and
monotonously serious;
they don't like to joke.'
Wislawa Szymborska

i am through with this
seriousness, they all think that i do not know how to joke,

look at me
closely are not my lips big enough to be
your clown?

are not my arms longer than my legs
do i not look like a chimpanzee
to you
as you read my english poetry?

look at my eyes
bad, these eyes are bad, with thick eyelashes and thicker eyelids
looking like the beard of the walrus

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poem by Ric S. Bastasa
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Tarzan (A Song)

Deep in the jungle you can hear a yell
Over in the jungle an air plane fell
All the apes came gathered around
To come see this thing that fell to the ground

All inside, none survived
Until the apes heard an infant cry
Aug aug ooga no child for mama Toga
A child for you it fell from the blue

Now the apes they took it home
Mama ape Toga raised it on her own
It grew up, it didn’t take long
Now swinging from the trees it big and strong

Aug aug ooga no child for mama Toga
A child for you it fell from the blue

Some they say, call him Tarzan
Some say half ape, some say half man

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poem by Bill Simmons
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Ogdenashical to amuse

I am a duck billed platypus
I very seldom make a fuss.
Though you will find if you tread on me
I can react most peevishly
Because you’ve made me furious.

Wallace Wart hog was not willing
unless he got the top billing.
Although he thought he was the best
he was much worse than all the rest
and never earned a single shilling.

Adalbert the alligator
had a sister but he ate her
Which was not the thing to do
but Adalbert had downed a few
He was chastised by his pater.

Anthony the armadillo
was a very funny fellow.

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poem by Ivor Or Ivor.e Hogg
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Communication

This generation found a form of communication,
They want the world to share with technology here,
A language learned they had already forgotten,
All the trails led through year’s pioneers uncover.

Where myth goes on the same road the sane went,
In golden verses they swiftly go insanely mad,
And somewhere sad among words the indignant,
Teachers went, torn from symbols where time stood.

In posture of silent expression; transmission invade,
Tiptoeing between hanging sound moving gesture,
To find the myth of communication proverbs made,
Advance in codes, ringing the rich and many poorer.

That unique people on a line swung many times,
All the fiery swords hunts past tense and dance,
In trance, romance inspiring tunes written in songs,
And draw love spellbound into modern sentence.

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poem by Gerry Legister
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If I were an animal

IF I WERE AN ANIMAL...

If I were an animal I wonder what I’d be,
a roaring proud lion or a busy little bee.

Perhaps I’d be a beautiful mare with a mane thick and wild,
grazing in a field on summer days so mild.

Then I’d have my flirting days in heat when I’m looking for a ride.
Yes that would be neat, strolling through a field with two stallions by my side.

Would I be a donkey belonging to a gypsy selling heather,
making money out of me on Blackpool beach for children’s pleasure,
I’d have nothing to look forward too, up and down all day.
Na, I don’t think I’d like to live my life that way.

I could be a farm animal, like a pig or a chicken,
but then I’d be turned into something finger licking!

Perhaps I’d be a tiger or a chimpanzee,

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poem by Sandra Kerin Campbell
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Ding Dong Osama's Dead

Ding dong Osama's dead
he's been chopped with lead,
he's a sleepy head

Ding dong Osama's dead
By a black ops team in a Pakistan crypt
But I get bored and go to bed,
Ill dream of sheep in turbines instead

Rise - you patriots-
Get drunk and scream America
Wave old glory, and march with duty
Now Justice served, is wire tapping security?
To listen in on the disenfranchised
Incriminate Intel on personal live
Will it provide your world with peace?
To kill the donkeys in the elephant sleaze

Goodbye- to wiretaps
and illegal strip searches

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poem by Kevin Patrick
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A To Z Ambre Alice Double Best

Art Alice, Ambre, amuse as all attest,
Axel attentive, allegresse.
Beads, burst balloons, boats, sand beach best,
Bath bubbles, birthday double blessed.
Chimps, chips, choosing treasure chest,
Computers, chums, Cannes, Camille, chess.
Dogs, dance dreams, dolls divinely dressed,
Distractions daily, daintiness.
Excitement, Eden, Everest,
Enchantment ever effortless
Evolving energy, endless.
Fortune cookies, fancy dress,
Fairy-tales, friends, festiveness,
Fontaine's Fables, funniness.
Grandma, Grandpa, greeting guests,
Green gardens, gold rings, games to guess.
Gold Moon transformed despite protest.
Hands holding hands in happiness,
Harmony, hopes, healthiness.
Imagination if impressed,

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poem by Jonathan Robin
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The Evolution Tree

No need
necessitated.
To climb distant
mountain consult
foreign seer.

Ascendant
apostle ask
tellural earth temporal
creation reason.
Then revelation
divine plan good news bear.

What is it like
to know look
upon radiant
face to envisage God?

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poem by Terence George Craddock
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Before I forget...

The China stint is over,
There’s only a week to go,
I packed up a box of souvenirs
And trudged to the ‘you zheng ju’,
They cost me an arm and leg to send
By ‘shui lu lu xin jian, ’
I just have to pack a suitcase now,
Say ‘ron’ to a special friend.

The apartment’s almost empty,
It looks quite bare, forlorn,
As bare as the heart I gave to them
The people of old Zhejiang,
Their lives will go on without me now
As I head to the ‘Fei ji chang, ’
But I take my memories, every one
To the land where I come from.

The children dancing at ‘Dou Mei Li, ’
At the end of Wendi Lu,

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poem by David Lewis Paget
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Corpus Delicti

More germs are transferred
While shaking hands
Than are transferred during
Heavy passionate kissing

So if you don’t grab the hand
Of The next person you meet
And just kiss them instead,
just think of all the germs you’ll be missing

On average, women say
seven thousand words every day
while two thousand words
most men utter

That could be because
Women rarely pause
While most men’s minds
Are most oft in the gutter

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poem by David Whalen
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I Was Made To Love Her

(hey hey yes I was made to love her)
I was born in little rock
Had a childhood sweetheart
We were always hand in han-an-an-an-and
I wore high-top shoes and shirt-tails
Suzy was in pigtails
I knew I loved her even then
(hey hey yes I was made to love her)
Dont you know my papa disproved
My mama hooo-ooo-hoooed it
But I told them time and time again
(hey hey yes I was made to love her)
Dont you know I was made to love her
Built my world all around her
Hey hey hey
(hey hey yes I was made to love her)
Shes been my inspiration
Showed appreciation
For the love I gave her through the years
(hey hey yes I was made to love her)

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song performed by Beach Boys
Added by Lucian Velea
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Why's Everybody Always Pickin' On Me?

Why is everbody always pickin' on me?

The morn' that I was born my old man beat up the doctor
He clocked the doctor cause the doctor said I looked like Chewbacca
The doctor said sir you're misled sir which infers you mistook me
I did not mean your lovely wife was shackin' up with a wookie
What I mean is Wolverine is less hairy than your son
He's looks like Chewie Baba Booey Baba Booey and Hong Kong Phooey all in one
To put it mild your new-born child's completely nutty fu-fu lookin'
I'd shove him back into the oven until he is done cookin'
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause my fifteen year-old cousin has less acne
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Ain't brushed them teeth since 1983
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause you got the grooming habits of a chimpanzee
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Cause you're white but you got a nose like Bill Cosby
Why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Always pickin' and rippin' apart poor ol' Jimmy Pop Ali

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song performed by Bloodhound Gang from One Fierce Beer Coaster
Added by Lucian Velea
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Sharp With Added Spice

'Over seasoned! '
This came to spill,
From whispered lips.
Yet to those unacquainted...
The presentation and taste,
Was more than appreciated.
And in their eyes the show of this,
Did not hesitate to express it.

They did not mention an absence of skill.
They were too busy enjoying the delicious cake.
To pick crumbs from plates.

Until the cook appeared unexplained,
From the kitchen to gain attention.
Sharp with added spice,
Comes a lashing from an unexpected tongue.

It seems someone has said,
Whoever is doing the cooking with minimal flair...

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poem by Lawrence S. Pertillar
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Jerry Is A Man

Margaret bought him from a Phoenix laboratory
Outrage he'd get the axe, in the literal of sense
Cargrew thought her mad, and took it all in strides
Brownie was displeased and said it was her spit
But she said it was concern for all utensils right
Because Jerry is a man not a dog food machine

He was just a cattle Joe engineered for sanitation
Built for odd job routines, across the corporate nation
Labor made his paradise, benefits with no insurance
His occupation hazards were befitting for compensation
Which he got in payment of non brand name cigarettes
It was just the perfect timing for a mansion on Malibu

Got an autoclave Zamboni for a test tube baby daddy
Factory commissioned with a brand name on his sleeve
Though his intelligence quotation is below a baby elephant
He’s an expert with his fingers above anthropoid development
Built completely from scratch with proteins that can match
There’s nothing faulty in his conscience because he’s just a man

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poem by Kevin Patrick
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A Matter Of Degree

B. SMITH would most undoubtedly be very, very cross
If some rude person called him Jap, and yet, I'm at a loss
To see how he could argue otherwise in that respect:
A Jap is human - or a rumour's rife to that effect.
And he talks and argues much the same as B.
So, if SMITH is not a twin
To his cherished Yellow-skin,
Why it's only just a matter of degree,
Just a trifling little matter of degree.

Now, a Jap is not a monkey. though he's oft compared with such,
And he doesn't look unlike one, so it hardly matters much.
A monkey has a fearsome phiz, and hands that grab at things,
And he imitates his betters - all of which the matter brings
To a very clear conclusion, seems to me,
Which you cannot fairly funk:
If a Jap is not a monk
Ey, it's patently a matter of degree.
And we needn't mind a matter of degree.

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poem by Clarence Michael James Stanislaus Dennis
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Let's Do It

Birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
In spain, the best upper sets do it
Lithuanians and letts do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
The dutch in old amsterdam do it
Not to mention the fins
Folks in siam do it - think of siamese twins
Some argentines, without means, do it
People say in boston even beans do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
Romantic sponges, they say, do it
Oysters down in oyster bay do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
Cold cape cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish, do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love
Electric eels i might add do it
Though it shocks em i know

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song performed by Ella Fitzgerald
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There’s Only The Two Of Us Here

I camped one night in an empty hut on the side of a lonely hill.
I didn’t go much on empty huts, but the night was awful chill.
So I boiled me billy and had me tea and seen that the door was shut.
Then I went to bed in am empty bunk by the side of the old slab shed.

It must have been about twelve o’clock – I was feeling cosy and warm –
When at the foot of me bunk I sees a horrible ghostly form
It seemed in shape to be half an ape with a head like a chimpanzee
But wot the hell was it doin there, and wot did it want with me?

You may say if you please that I had DTs or call me a crimson liar,
But I wish you had seen it as plain as me, with it’s eyes like coals of fire.
Then it gave a moan and a horrible groan that curdled me blood with fear,
And ‘There’s only the two of us here,’ it ses. ‘There’s only the two of us here!’

I kept one eye on the old hut door and one on the awful brute;
I only wanted to dress meself and get to the door and scoot.
But I couldn’t find where I’d left me boots so I hadn’t a chance to clear
And, ‘There’s only the two of us here,’ it moans. ‘There’s only the two of us here!’

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poem by Edward Harrington
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